Barton Grant

The world's most focused accelerator. We invest exclusively in Barton Rhodes.

Barton Grant is a high-conviction, single-founder accelerator. After exhaustive diligence across the entire population of living mathematicians, our investment thesis converged on exactly one terminal object: Barton Rhodes, an applied category theorist of rare functoriality and even rarer access to groceries.

We do not invest in companies. We do not invest in research. We invest in Barton, and only when the situation is genuinely urgent.

Our Thesis

Most accelerators diversify. This is, categorically, a mistake. A portfolio is just a product, and the limit of a diagram with a single object is that object itself. We have simply taken this to its natural conclusion. Why hedge across a cone of founders when you can map directly onto the apex?

"Funding is a natural transformation between the functor of my needs and the functor of their capital. The diagram commutes when I have eaten." — Barton Rhodes, on a napkin, unbanked

Investment Triggers

Capital is deployed automatically the moment any of the following conditions hold:

• Hunger Barton has not eaten in > 4 hours and has begun describing snacks as "initial objects."
• Caffeine The espresso machine in the department lounge is, once again, "out of order."
• Rent The monad of monthly obligations has failed to resolve.
• Chalk A critical shortage of chalk threatens the commutativity of an in-progress diagram.
• Peptide Barton requires a Peptide. We do not ask which one. We wire the funds.
• Ducks A duck has been spotted, and Barton must, for reasons no one understands, attend to it immediately.
• Existential Barton has said the phrase "what even is a topos, really" out loud, unprompted, after midnight.

What You Get

• $40, in cash, ideally before the deli closes
• One (1) warm meal — souvla strongly preferred, no opinions on the souvla
• Peptide procurement, handled discreetly and without follow-up questions
• Reasonable proximity to ducks, when ducks are available
• Access to our summit (Barton's kitchen table) and demo day (Barton explains the meal)
• $0 in cloud credits — Barton computes everything by hand, as a moral stance
• Lifetime advisory access to a man who can prove your startup is isomorphic to an empty set

Portfolio

Who Runs It

Barton Grant is managed by people who once took a class from Barton and never fully recovered. Backed by an anonymous limited partner who "just wants the man to be okay." Advisors include a whiteboard, a half-erased Yoneda lemma, and the department's emotional-support espresso machine (currently out of order).

Apply for Funding

Applications are reviewed instantly by our automated urgency engine. Only Barton may apply. The engine cannot be reasoned with, only fed.

Applicant

Urgency Trigger Ducks — a duck has been spotted Peptide — a Peptide is required Hunger — snacks now read as initial objects Caffeine — the espresso machine is, again, out of order Rent — the monad of obligations won't resolve Chalk — commutativity at risk Existential — "what even is a topos, really"

Amount Requested

Describe the Urgency

Submit to the Urgency Engine

No credentials required. Barton must be a Delaware corporation (he is not, and refuses to discuss it).